View of the farm over the valley. Janet and Rachel work the strip of land between the treeline and the houses. Theirs is the one white house.

Oh! Suddenly, it’s the 22nd of October, and I am just shy of being 5 sixths of my way through this ‘sabbatical year’. The life I choose is still something I live day by day, without a clear vision for my future. I thought it was time to take stock, and to update you on the unfolding of this life. Then, as always, where to begin? The Summer proved impossibly busy and expensive on the Caravan Club sites I had been using, so I went to spend a bit of time on Janet (my sister) and Rachel’s small holding. This involved parking up in their farm yard, and attaching to an external hook up point to

Wooden drum set in Plessey Woods, Northumbria

the house electricity. Plus I used their utility wash room, to empty my motor-home toilet cassette. This turned out to be a perfect arrangement for me, as I could write in the van for many hours, without interruption,  while being free from the distractions that inevitably surround you on a camp site. I also had people I love and trust close by, in case the need for help arose. In return, I paid a nominal amount for electricity and did odd jobs around the house.

With everything working so positively for all concerned, I changed my living pattern to involve travelling to the farm whenever I was free from the need to be in Newcastle for a week or more. As I have honed and refined the business, these expeditions to the Yorkshire countryside have become longer. It seems I can also ‘mind the farm’ (5 chickens, 35 sheep, 2 cats and 3 dogs) when Janet and Rachel are away. I’ve enjoyed the hands on farm work, though it’s not a life that I would necessarily choose for myself full-time. I love the peace, the really close proximity to nature, and the connection both with ‘family’ and ‘earth’. The hours of solitude to think and write is also perfect for me right now, and I have enough ‘busy’ when I am in Newcastle to stop me from feeling like I have opted out of living in the real world entirely.

The week Rosie joined me on the farm,

The dog care business is now primarily a walking business, and I gave the the girls who were already boarding for me, my boarding clients, apart form the few I am still happy to house sit for. I’m currently in the middle of a longish spell of sitting, and after a busy couple of weeks am now in the relaxed company of two horizontal retrievers in a lovely environment. My hopes for getting something more than dog care achieved, are on the rise!

The months since May, when Pete removed the possibility of relationship from our table, have been a time akin to grieving for me. I had truly hoped that we would overcome the ills of his past life enough to share a present, because the present we shared was – for me – well, I was happy… It’s hard to describe the coming to someone after years of relational disconnect and the internal turmoil and constraint that, that imposes, and feeling not only love, but ‘home’ and not only home, but ‘freedom’ in the face of them. It’s hard to find that you are not enough, even though you knew from the beginning that your were fighting monsters in pursuit of possibility. It’s hard to let go of that kind of love with one hand, while holding onto friendship with the other. It’s hard to miss someone when they are sitting in the

My daughter, Imogen beach combing on the beautiful Island of Tiree

same room. But perhaps the hardest thing of all for me, is the difficulty I have in believing that this depth of connection, this social compatibility (I’m so complex in that regard), this quality of relating, is hiding just around the corner in another possibility. I want the companionship of partnering… but I not yet ready or able to hope. The farm has been sanctuary, and finding this place of safety is helping me heal. Baby steps.

I should say that throughout it all, Pete – whose name means the rock – has been kind, steady and inclusive. I believe that he wants a successful, ongoing, meaningful friendship as much as I do.

With all that in mind and heart, I have turned my attention to myself, and am enjoying a journey of discovery in that regard. The life I choose right now includes working to lose weight, get fit, stay healthy, practice mindfulness, reconnect with my sensuality and with the earth. I have no idea of my future, or the life I will choose. But I know that wherever this journey takes me, I will be there. I want to be the best me I can, in order to be able to grab life by the throat – without limiting myself through things I can do something about. I have, for too long, been ‘unhappy’ with my size and shape, so now is the time to determine my own long-term well-being. It’s not really that I mind looking curvy, it’s that I want to be physically able, strong and flexible.

Living in a small space is easier if you don’t have to squeeze yourself through the available gaps, and there is a lot of climbing and stretching and reaching because the storage space is mainly overhead. Plus I noticed a marked improvement in the chronic hip pain I experience at times, after doing only a couple of sessions of yoga a few weeks ago. So I have subscribed to an online workout video programme for beginners, that mixes cardio, strength, balance and core strength, in 30 minutes sessions

that you do daily. The trainer is right up my street and it feels like a good fit. having it online means I have reduced the obstacles to doing it to almost zero. Giving me a fighting chance of success. Once it gets to be routine to do it, I’ll plan some extra yoga sessions too.

A day in Huddersfield at the Rat and Ratchet

I’ve been on a pretty clean diet for a few weeks now. Started off with just Purition shakes, and have since added in vegetables, a little fruit, eggs and beans. Am off caffeine, dairy, gluten and alcohol and feeling great. Eventually my heart will catch up, and when it does I want to be ready for the next adventure. For now I’ve made one easy, clear decision, and in that regard this is the life I choose. I intend to stay in the van for the foreseeable future. I do feel as though I have become more productive as the year has progressed, but there is so much as yet undone…