About half of the lovely flock at Janet and Rachel’s. Soothing.

It’s been a while! I haven’t written here because I didn’t quite know how to say what needs to be said, but now it’s time.  The past 7 weeks have been some of the most unrelentingly harsh that I can recall for a long while. It would take forever to recall the detail of that statement, so I’ll try a list… neat… sanitised… minimal. Take what you can from it  – a potted history – and then move forward with me; it’s really a summary to reflect on in times to come – not a weight of words to anchor me into the present mire. Actually, in writing this, now, this moment, I don’t feel defeated. But my head feels like I don’t own it anymore; full of uninvited guests and marbles being shaken in a little cotton bag. I can’t think. Writing is like wading through treacle. I can’t settle.

Yet somehow here I am, words dripping onto the page as reluctant fingers peck at QWERTY letters. Keys. To locked doors.

So less than eight weeks ago, I didn’t know that I would own these experiences:

1. Pete’s mum died.
2. Rosie moved to a new home.
3. The love of my life, who’s tried so very hard to overcome so much and feel able to love me, admitted defeat. Still friends. Lost hope.
4. My laptop broke. Imogen to the rescue with trusty old Snappy Lappy.
5. Downloaded a system update to my phone and spent 3 days without a working phone, hours of completely useless tech support, plus an unnecessary factory reset and all the extra work that that entails. Stephen to the rescue with a “just press this button”.
6. My ‘hotspot’ – how I get my internet in the van – stopped working. Stephen to the rescue.
7. Walked a dog, who attacked another dog (badly) and ended up paying £330 vet bill and a dog (the ‘aggressor’ – who was pushed into a reaction by an overly ‘friendly’ off-lead dog jumping in his face) being put to sleep.
8. Walked with Janet and Rachel through the last days of Mirri’s life, just a week after they had to say goodbye to Jake.
9. My email stopped sending email. Fiona helped sort that one.
10. A computer virus at 1.30 am. Stephen to the rescue.
11. Sent van in for an MOT and service: timing belt, water pump, auxiliary belt and 1 rear brake cylinder all needed replaced. £680
12. A few days later, on Janet’s smallholding in rural Yorkshire, van wouldn’t start. Called RAC as non-member (and joined) £120
13. Back in Newcastle – fitting new starter motor, when final (integral) bolt sheared off while being tightened. £74 RAC to the rescue. £0 (yay!)
14. Garage repair and new starter motor. £144. Pete to the rescue (loan).
15. Two days later Joe’s car showing loss of oil pressure, and significant engine noise. Garage advised against repair in view of cost versus the worth of the car and the irreversible damage already done to engine.
16. Bought new car for Joe, so that he can work and keep a roof over his head.  £600 (Chris to rescue – paid rent early to cover this until I could get the money together).
17. The EU referendum result confirmed as leave. Feeling something I can only describe as grief.
18. Jeremy Corbyn, the only politician around who I feel offers an honest agenda of social democracy, is scapegoated.

And when I see it all exposed like that I think two things…

How strong I must be to just press on with life through all of that (I feel so insignificant and powerless much of the time) and how clearly I am not alone. I want to thank all of my family and wonderful friends who stand beside me through everything. I know my own strength relies on my connection with you.

So to now, and how to shake the malaise that comes from not having a peaceful centre? To free my head from the chatter of marbles and to find focus again? I thought this would be a good first step. To put it all onto the page, let it all live on the outside of me. Begin to let it go…